Episode 1

2004-06-04T04:21:15Z

Worst Excellent Swordsman
Cha Bang Xia

Author's Note: Please note that all characters and events in the
following material are the intellectual property of Zdenko Juskuv and John
Liu. Copyright 2004.

Setting –

We open with a scene of a very grimy and dingy tavern in the waterfront area of a small town along the Yangtze river. There is general chaos and violence, small fights are erupting in the background of the scene, and there are skimpily clad but not very attractive waitresses walking around with drinks. In the corner there is an old man strumming a zither with a few coins scattered in front of him. He looks very out of place, and we are somewhat surprised people are not stealing his money.

The scene’s focus is on a table in the middle of the bar, where there are three large imposing men sitting around, not really fitting in. The others in the bar are giving them some distance – possibly someone has already been hurt badly for butting in.

Enter the main character, Fei Shi. He is a handsome, fairly tall, fairly well dressed man. He has a sheathed sword stuck through the sash of his belt. This is a contrast to most swordsmen, who carry them in their hands. He also seems somewhat out of place in such a dive. He is obviously more than slightly drunk. He seems almost peaceful, certainly not someone capable of violence or even successfully defending himself against a common bandit armed with a shovel.

Fei Shi enters the tavern from the pouring rain, shakes some of the water off himself, and approaches the bar.

Fei (slurred): Hey, bartender, gimme a jug of wine.

The bartender examines him and concludes that he’s probably got the money to pay for it, and goes in back to retrieve one of his more expensive wines – it only makes sense to milk the cash cow while you have the chance.

Fei leans back to relax, and his hanging sword gently brushes the leg of a fairly inebriated fellow sitting nearby.

Drunk Idiot (slurred): Hey, watch where yer swinging that thing, pretty boy.

Fei (trying to avoid trouble at first): My apologies, I wasn’t really paying attention.

Drunk Idiot (noticing the sword is hanging in the sash): Wassamatta with you, can’t you hold the sword like a normal guy? Gotta leave it hanging around, banging into poor folks like me. You too weak to hold the sword in your hand like a REAL man? *he and his friends laugh uproariously.*

Fei (pissed): Here, let me show you the advantage of having your hands free.

Fei grabs the guy by his collar, and easily pulls him to a standing position with one hand. He then slaps him a couple of times, shoves him away, and performs a Japanese-style quick-draw technique – his sword comes out of the sheath in a blinding arc, and with perfect control cuts the man’s shirt and belt exactly down the middle without scratching his skin. The man’s clothes fall off, and now completely sobered he runs away screaming in fear. Fei resheathes his sword, brushes his hands in a satisfied away, turns back to the bar, and promptly trips over the sheath hanging from his belt.

The bartender returns and frowns. He is somewhat disappointed that a paying customer has been driven away, but this fellow should be able to make up that loss easily. Besides, he doesn’t want to anger someone who can do something like that while drunk.

Bartender: You’re, uh, pretty skilled with that blade there, honored customer. (*under his breath* at least while you’re standing). Here is a jug of our finest 7 Plum Season wine. I hope it meets your exquisite tastes.

We draw back, and we and the bartender both notice that his speech is completely out of place for such a dive. The bartender shakes his head as if to wake himself up, and asks Fei for payment.

Bartender: That will be 8 taels of silver, sir.

Fei (offended): You would charge the great Fei Shi, greatest swordsman of China? You should be paying ME for deigning to appear in this place.

Bartender (obviously awed by having the great and famous Fei Shi in his bar): Oh sir, I did not know it was you! I apologize. But… (hesitantly) I do have a business here, sir, and I really cannot afford the loss of that particular jug of wine, reserved for honored customers as yourself. Perhaps I could give you a discount?

Fei (smiling): Ah, don’t worry about it.

Fei takes his purse and pours it out into his hand, at which point everybody in the bar turns to look at the idiot pouring out his purse in plain sight. The bar falls silent as they notice that he is carrying around a large amount of GOLD, not silver, copper, or bronze as they are used to. Nobody in the bar has seen even ¼ of that much money in one place in their life. Fei looks up to see everybody gawking and shrugs.

Fei: I hate digging through my purse to find the small change, don’t you? I’m sorry, I don’t have any silver. Is gold acceptable?

Bartender (stunned): Ah… I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can provide you with change.

Fei: Oh, don’t worry about it. Drinks are on me for the night!

The entire bar cheers, and Fei is suddenly popular. The other patrons start drinking and making merry, with the exception of the 3 men in the middle of the room who had been analyzing Fei with cold stares throughout the entire sequence.

Fei notices this, and approaches them and sits down at their table.

Fei (slightly irritated): Hey there, strangers. Why aren’t you making merry like everybody else?

Large man in the middle (coldly): We don’t really go in for this kind of thing. We’re just here to get out of the rain.

At this point, a young girl dressed in robes with a bat perched on her shoulder walks in through the door. Suo Jin looks around distastefully at the chaos in the bar, sniffs, and walks over to the old man with the zither, sits down, and listens to the music.

Suo Jin: Hmph. What a dive.

Old Man (wisely): The greatest things are never what they appear, for then they would be too easily achieved.

Suo Jin (looking at him): What the HELL are you babbling about, old man?

Old Man (still wisely): I have no idea.

The old man returns to strumming his Zither, and Suo Jin proceeds to ignore him.

Suo (muttering): What a lousy dive. Why should I, a great and powerful sorceress, the jewel of the court, have to spend the night at a place like this?

Bat: Even “powerful sorceresses” must get out of the rain. Especially when they’ve lost their way, because they were too arrogant to ask for help.

Suo (annoyed): I said you could tag along, but keep quiet, or I’ll send you back to the old man.

The bat returns to quiet. Suo looks around and finds a few people looking strangely at the girl with a bat on her shoulder. She grabs it, and stuffs it into a pocket in her robe. The bat sticks its head out and looks around the bar. Noticing Fei, he squeaks and gets Suo’s attention again.

Bat: You see that fellow over there, with the sword in his sash? I sense something about him. You should keep an eye on him, he may prove important in our quest. And, don’t forget to stay on the alert for any potential fruit. Even great and wise familiars like myself require sustenance.

Suo (shoving him back into her pocket): You’re not my familiar, you rodent. You can go find food for yourself later. And didn’t I tell you to be quiet?

She does look toward Fei though, and something about him keeps her eyes on him.

We return to Fei and the 3 men.

Fei: Well, to each their own. So, what are you guys doing in a place like this?

Large man in the middle (coldly): It’s none of your –

At this point, one of the men flanking him nudges him. He catches himself, and responds in a warmer tone.

Large man in the middle: We’re getting out of the rain, much like yourself I would assume.

Fei (somewhat condescendingly): Yes, but I mean what are you doing in this village. We’re all obviously in HERE to either get drunk or to get out of the rain.

Large man in the middle: Oh, nothing important. I’m just a nobody, with no fixed goals in mind. Dominating China is nowhere near the top of my consciousness.

Fei (confused): Huh? What are you talking about?

Large man (realizing what he just said): Uh, nothing. Just passing through.

Fei (shrugging): Whatever. Hm… I don’t know. Have I seen you before? You look vaguely familiar. What’s your name?

Wo de Mao (refusing to debase himself by lying about his name): I am Wo de Mao.

His guards get worried looks on their faces, and prepare themselves for potential action.

Fei ponders the name for a moment, and shakes his head. He obviously has no awareness of the goings on of the country, despite his wandering. He is amused, however, by the name – it literally means “my cat.”

Fei: Doesn’t ring a bell. Wo de Mao, huh? I bet your mom really loved her cat. *wink*

Wo de Mao is visibly enraged, and barely restrains himself. The only reason he hasn’t already cut Fei’s head off is because he saw Fei’s earlier display of prowess, and he doesn’t want to start something big. Mao’s visible anger only encourages Fei, who is partly drunk and partly, well, Fei.

Fei: Do you get hairballs? Here, kitty kitty kitty! No wonder you’re not enjoying yourself, let me get you a glass of milk.

Fei starts laughing uproariously. Unable to restrain himself further and seeing an opportunity where his opponent was seemingly distracted, Wo pulls out his sword – a large, broad, curved blade – with lightning speed and slashed at Fei. As his slash ends, Wo looks up to see how much damage his slash did, only to find that Fei has disappeared. Fei taps him on the shoulder from behind, having dodged impossibly quickly. Wo turns, at which Fei smiles and says “Meow.”

Wo screams, and charges forward, smashing into Fei with his shoulder. He runs forward into the door, breaking it down, forcing the two of them out into the rain, with the crowd of spectators following to the door and looking on in fascination, including Suo Jin in the back of the crowd, craning her neck, and the bat flying above everything watching.

Fei gets up, somewhat sore and a bit surprised. He draws his sword with his right hand, and settles into something of a fluid ready position. Wo steadies himself, and charges forward again, sword at the ready. As Wo approached and cut down, Fei sidestepped easily and flicked at Wo with his sword. Instead of cutting Wo on the cheek as he had expected, however, Fei was shocked to find Wo suddenly pivoting and changing direction and swinging his sword back up. Wo’s blade smashed into Fei’s sword, with a clang and sparks flying, slamming the blade out of Fei’s hands and sending it spinning off into a nearby shack. Wo quickly followed up with several quick thrusts. Fei sidestep and ducked out of their way, and quickly did several successive backflips to his sword. Fei picked up his sword again, and carefully approached Wo again.

Fei (very serious): So, you’re quite skilled. Well, I won’t underestimate you any more. Now you’ll see why I’m the best swordsman in China. Prepare to meet your end.

Wo (smirking): Too bad. I’m the best, period. Too bad you won’t know the honor I am dealing you by cutting you down with my own hands.

Wo charged forward, but this time Fei also took the offensive. Leaping into the air, Fei jumped over Wo’s strike and reoriented himself, and came down in a powerful thrust. Wo shifted out of the way and thrust, timing his sword to stab into Fei as he came down. Fei’s sword stabbed into the ground. Noticing Wo’s thrust rapidly approaching, Fei shifted his weight. The sword bent away from Wo, swinging Fei just out of range of the thrust. As the flexible yet incredibly strong steel swung back the other way, Fei used the momentum to propel himself in a kick toward Wo, pulling the sword out of the ground as he kicked forward. Wo steadied himself, and rather than dodging or blocking Fei’s kick, he dropped his sword and grabbed Fei’s foot. He was pushed back several feet by the force of Fei’s kick, but he remained standing and now had a grip on Fei. Wo spun Fei around a few turns to gain some momentum, and then threw Fei straight up into the air. As Fei flailed about in midair, Wo snapped his wrist, dropping a dagger out of his sleeve into his hands, and threw it at Fei. Fei spun in midair, and instantly sees the blade speeding toward him. Fei immediately threw his sword down at Wo, and in nearly the same motion clapped his hands together, trapping the dagger’s blade between his palms. As Fei’s sword approached Wo, Wo tumbled out of the way, picking up his sword again as he passed over it. Standing quickly, he cut at Fei as Fei landed. Fei barely managed to parry the sword with his dagger, and drew his sword back out of the ground as he simultaneously threw the dagger at Wo. Wo ducked down, out of the dagger’s path – or so he thought. Fei had anticipated this, and purposefully thrown the dagger low. Wo noticed this barely in time and lowered his posture even further – however, not enough. The dagger barely missed the top of Wo’s head – however, it did not miss his hair. Wo’s topknot, the symbol of his manhood, the longest topknot among all in his army. Wo felt the weight of the hair falling off his head, and he charged forward, roaring in rage.

Wo: I’m going to tear you to pieces and eat you for that! You motherf---

As Wo shouted and charged in a blind fury, Fei calmly snapped up his foot in a powerful kick, hitting Wo right in the face and breaking his nose. The moment his foot made contact with Wo, Fei suddenly felt a flash of pain and nausea surging through his body. He doubled over, but quickly recovered. He prepared to attack, but stopped when he noticed a look of massive confusion on Wo’s bleeding face.

Wo (searching the night, in a fury): Where are you, you coward? Where’d you go?! I’m going to rip you to shreds! You’re dead, you hear? I’ll chase you to the end of the world!

Fei (to himself): What got into that ugly kitty’s head? I’m right here.

As the thought ran through Fei’s mind, he suddenly noticed that his center of mass had shifted forward somewhat. Looking down, he noticed that he had suddenly sprouted round, fleshy proturbances from his chest. Fei screamed in shock. He ran over to a near by rain barrel, somewhat sheltered from the downpour. Looking in, he saw in the rippling reflection that his face had changed to that of a beautiful young woman. Gibbering in fear and madness, he ran off into the night.

End of Episode 1.

Introductory Post

2004-06-04T04:17:20Z

This is the first post, intended to reaffirm that this journal actually exists.

Woohoo.

Now, get onto the next post for the 1st chapter!

John & Zdenko